The Spaces In Between

Long time readers of my blog know that I love to write a year in review post at the end of each calendar year. (You can read previous annual reviews here: 2012, 2013, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019).

I started drafting this post before Christmas, but then I set it aside for the holidays, intending to finish in the last few days of the year. But then the new year came, and I just felt heavy and sad. Twenty-twenty was such a hard year! It also feels difficult to celebrate it ending, when I am sure that 2021 will be just as hard, if not harder. And, indeed, in the first two weeks of the year our country has experienced more white supremacist violence, an attack on the Capitol building, a President who continues to lie about the results of the election, rising numbers of covid-19 infections, and a Congress considering impeachment.

Still, as in years past, alongside the pain and grief of 2020, there was also joy, and laughter, and the kindness of friends. I want to remember and reflect on those good parts too. So, here it is at last, my review of 2020.

WINTER/SPRING:

In January, I went to England. I had originally planned a trip for summer 2020, but one of my great-uncles has been unwell, and I felt an urgency to go and see him and other family. I am so grateful that I did, because of course that summer trip didn’t happen! Along with seeing family, one of the highlights of my England trip was getting to visit Holy Trinity Church in York where Anne Lister and Ann Walker got married in 1834. Unfortunately, I got super, super sick when I returned from England, right at the start of the semester, and it turned into bronchitis which was not fun! [edit: now that we know more, I wonder if I had covid in January]

Spring semester I taught 3 courses: Intro to WGSS, Trans Representations, and Intro to Sexuality Studies. This third one was a new course for me, although I basically taught it as a broader version of my Intro to LGBTQ Studies course. (You can find my syllabi from that semester, and other semesters, here). I loved getting to teach Trans Representations again–it continues to be one of my favorite classes. And my Intro to Sexuality Studies students were great too. They were very creative, and I particularly loved their skits about bisexuality! My Intro class was the easiest in terms of prep, as I had taught it in the Fall, but it had some tough social dynamics going on, and various cliques formed, so it was a bit of a relief when everything shifted online post-Spring break.

In February, I started paying more attention to the news about the novel coronavirus and started getting anxious about loved ones in Europe. Pippin and I distracted ourselves by spending a lot of time hiking around local state parks.

In March, everything changed. March 5th, I canceled my Spring Break flight to Spokane, WA to visit friends. On March 13th, PA and MD and many, many other states went into shut-down, and Dickinson extended Spring Break, and then made the decision to go online. I wrote about the process of shifting to online teaching here.

I wrote in my 2020 word post “Tender Belonging” that due to all my Fall traveling, “in the spring I want to spend more time in my apartment and exploring the mountains and lakes and rivers of Central PA.” Oh boy, I had no idea how much time I would be spending in my apartment and at home that spring! I am also grateful I went hiking in February, as the state parks were either closed, or were way too crowded for my comfort in March and April.

In April, after a few weeks alone in PA, I went home to be with my parents in MD, because the solitude was affecting my mental health. This at least is a benefit to remote teaching, I don’t have to stay in one place to teach as I can zoom into my classes from anywhere.

That month my Mum and I started co-facilitating an online PFLAG LGBTQ youth group for teens aged 12-18, to help support teens who were feeling isolated because of the pandemic. The group is still going strong, 9 months later, which is a delight. The kids are artistic, and funny, and so supportive of each other, and I am grateful to get to hang out with them every week on Zoom. [If you know a young lgbtq kiddo who could benefit from a social group with other lgbtq teens, you can find more info here, we are still open to new members.] It is mostly kids from MD, and it is organized through PFLAG-Salisbury but we also have some kids from other states–another benefit to meeting on Zoom, we are not bound by geographical location!

Another big thing that happened in April: I interviewed at DePauw University and was offered a job, which was a relief since my year at Dickinson was coming to an end in June.

In May, I returned to PA for the last few weeks of the semester to pack up my apartment and put my belongings in storage, and then I moved back home to Maryland to spend the summer with my parents. I wrote about some of my early summer adventures here, and I also created this anti-racism resource guide in response to the Uprisings in June. Given the need for physical distancing to protect family members, I did not attend any of the protests this summer, but spent a lot of time gathering resources for others, donating money, having tough conversations, and amplifying key voices in the movement. For the first time in 5 years, I did not volunteer at any summer camps, and spent the time trying to recuperate from the previous semester, and prep for the Fall.

SUMMER

It was a difficult summer, given the pandemic and the Uprisings, and anxiety and fear for loved ones. But, there were some good moments too. One of the highlights of the summer was helping edit my grandparents’ memoir. My favorite story is one told by my Grandma about how she used to steal dog biscuits from her uncle’s pet store when she was a little girl because she liked the taste of them.

I also went paddle-boarding almost every day on the river with my mum. We even did a few night-paddles. It was incredible to be out on the river in the dark, navigating by the trees silhouetted against the sky. I spent a lot of time thinking about questions of home, and belonging, and what it means to be a queer white person living on unceded Indigenous land, traveling the waterways that Native people would have traveled, and that people like Harriet Tubman used to ferry people to Freedom.

This summer, I also found a tiny kitten one day when she ran out of the woods and insisted on following me back home down the lane. Sadly, she was probably thrown out of a car on the main road. I found a foster home for her, as my dad and I are both very allergic, and her foster parent ended up keeping her! [The cover photo for this post is a selfie with this adorable large-eared kitten]

In July, I spent almost two weeks with my guide-son/earth-baby, River, and his parents. His favorite book, which I read over and over, was Calculus for Infants, and we also had a lot of fun playing with the tiles from Bananagrams. River loves letters, and words, and books.

At the end of July, my partner and I celebrated our six year anniversary, with a long weekend together on the Choptank river. It was nice to have some time together before my August move.

My parents helped me move to my new place in Greencastle, which was a huge help! And while I was still unpacking boxes, I frantically prepped for a full semester of online teaching! Thankfully, the three classes that I taught: Intro to WGSS, The Queer and Trans Child, and Queer Theory, Queer Lives (aka Intro to LGBTQ Studies/LGBTQ Communities with a new name), were courses I have taught before, but it still was a LOT of work to get them into a remote format.

FALL:

Honestly, this Fall was one of the most difficult, darkest times of my life. It is hard to move to a new place, and start a new job in the best of times, and it was really hard to do so in the middle of a pandemic, and in the midst of an extremely contentious presidential election. Additionally, at the end of September, my partner and I broke up, and that was also very difficult, especially while living so far from family and close friends.

I have made a few new friends at DePauw, and we have had some physically distanced porch and patio hang-outs, but all of us were overwhelmed with teaching work, so sometimes I went weeks without spending time with anyone in person. Thank goodness for Pippin’s companionship! And for long-distance friends who supported me from afar, via the phone and Zoom.

And in all of the darkness, there were moments of light. In October, I took an (online) Andrea Gibson poetry class. They are one of my favorite poets, and it was incredible to learn from them. I also, finally, took an (online) Introduction to American Sign Language class, after spending years wanting to learn ASL. It was nice to be a student for once, especially since I spend a lot of time teaching and tending to others!

Also, while it has been hard to be far away (12 hour drive) from family, I really like my new town. I have spent very little time in the Midwest, and haven’t been able to explore too much due to covid, but I like what I have seen so far. I especially appreciate Conspire, a queer feminist craft store in Greencastle, and the DePauw Nature Preserve, which is an old quarry converted into a park. Pippin and I love walking there.

Teaching online had its ups and downs, but as always, I enjoyed developing relationships with my students, and teaching about topics that I care deeply about. I had a few students who frequently came to my Zoom office hours, and several who are taking my classes next semester, which is always an indication that they enjoy my teaching!

And, although I look forward to the days when I can be back in the classroom, there are benefits to online teaching in terms of flexibility of engagement and assignments. I have also learned new skills related to uploading video lectures, captioning, and designing engaging discussion forums. This Spring, I will be teaching remotely again, so I will get to take what I learned in the Fall, and hone those skills further. I hope to write another post about teaching online at some point!

In December, after turning in grades, I headed back to MD, where I have been for the last few weeks, staying with family, relaxing, writing, and prepping for the new semester. I have a friend who is currently house-sitting for me in Greencastle, and they will be staying with me through February and March, which will be wonderful, especially in regards to combatting quarantine blues.

Phew, what a year it has been!

I hope that you, dear reader, have felt loved and held this year, especially this Winter, whether you are physically with your loved ones, or are living apart due to quarantine. I look forward to the time when we can all wrap our arms around each other again. Here is to another year, and to continuing to find joy, even in the midst of tough times.

To end: Here is a List of Things That Keep Me Going Through Tough Times

Keep Going On List

• The Keep Going On Song by The Bengsons (this song has been on repeat so much!)
• weekly Zoom calls with my closest college friends
• facilitating my weekly lgbtq youth group
• sending snail mail
• making mini-poem zines
• facetime with my grandparents
• phone calls with loved ones on long drives from IN to MD and MD to IN.
• retreating to MD and the river house to stay with my parents when being alone is too hard
• Zoom: For Thanksgiving, birthdays, family game nights
• walks with Pippin, especially out at the nature preserve
• hugging trees
• campfires in my backyard under the stars
• Julie Noelke’s Pandemic videos
• Vinny Thomas’ comedy, especially the Galactic Federation Interviews Earth video.
• Podcasts:
  • Just Break Up
  • Forest 404
  • Outside/In
  • Farscape Fridays
• Books:
  • Children of Blood and Bone by Tomi Ademeyi
  • An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon
  • The Fifth Season and The Obelisk Gate by NK Jemison
  • Ashes and Glitter: Tales from a Queer World that Would Not Die
  • Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
  • Gathering Moss by Robin Wall Kimmerer
• Online Concerts:
  • Chris Pureka
  • Emily Henry
  • Be Steadwell
• TV Shows: (My favorite genre is apocalypse tv shows, especially zombie shows, but I have had to take a break from them this year!)
  • Schitts Creek
  • Atypical
  • Alone (the survival show)
  • Virgin River
  • Raising Dion
  • One Day at a Time
  • She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
  • The Dragon Prince
• Movies:
  • Mune: The Moon Guardian
  • Song of the Sea