The Spaces In Between

As an academic I tend to think of “years” in academic years, which can be confusing when I tell people that I will do something “next year” and they think I mean the following spring, and I actually mean the upcoming August. But I am also excited about the turning of the calendar year, and like to take a moment to reflect on what I have accomplished in the last 12 months. As an archivist I enjoy having a record, and although I have not always written a review, it is interesting to look back at previous years: 2011, 2012, 2013, 2016. 

2017 was a bit of a wild-ride, especially given the current political situation in the US. Every day there is something new to be outraged about, to call my senators about, to march about, to organize around. It can be exhausting, and it has been important to learn how to pace myself.

It has also been a busy year academically, especially in regard to my teaching, and a bit of a chaotic one in regard to my personal life. As always, there have been some amazing times, and some not too good times, and I am excited to have the opportunity to look back and reflect on them.

Teaching: 

Teaching was definitely the highlight of the year in terms of work. In the spring semester I taught one section of Intro to LGBTQ Studies, and an upper -level course I designed called “From Birth to Death: LGBTQ Life Trajectories.” Although I only had 90 students instead of 120 like in the fall semester, in many ways it was a more difficult semester because I was teaching a new class, and one was an upper-level with 45 students. (In contrast, while The Queer Child course in fall 2016 was technically a new class, it only had 30 students, and was based on my research so was very familiar to me. In fact, one of my students wrote in the evaluation that he was surprised to learn I had never taught the class before as I was so comfortable with the material.)

My students in both my intro and upper-level in Spring 2017 were fantastic, and I had a great time teaching about the life cycle from a queer perspective, questioning assumptions about what it means to live a good life, thinking about how heterosexism organizes society, and imagining how we might think about family and relationships and life differently.

At the end of the semester I learned that my post-doc would not be renewed at UMD. It had never been a guarantee, it was only a year contract, but it was still very disappointing and I was sad to leave my students. In my LGBTQ Life Trajectories course I had 7 students who had taken a course with me before, and it was wonderful to have the opportunity to teach them again. I also grew quite fond of many of the students who came to my office hours. It also meant leaving UMD after 7 years there, and processing the end of my time there, something I had not had to do yet having started the post-doc immediately after finishing my dissertation in August 2016.

In the summer, I applied to and accepted an adjunct position at Towson University, and taught two sections of “International Women’s Perspective.” It was exciting to return to teaching Women’s Studies, although it was stressful creating and teaching a new course in an area that I am not so familiar in.

It was also stressful because adjuncts are not paid a lot of money! Thankfully, I have a family friend who lives in Towson, and I have been saving on rent by staying with him. I have a LOT of things to say about the exploitation of adjuncts within the academy, and I will not be returning to Towson even though I was offered a class next semester.  (To be clear–this is not an issue just at Towson–they actually pay more than many universities in the area, but it is part of a larger system of inequality). However, I am glad I taught there this semester; I learned a lot, and I was able to embrace the idea of failure and learning from my mistakes in a completely new way.

Overall, this year was amazing in terms of teaching. I tried new activities, tried to correct the ableism within my pedagogy practices, experimented with new assignments, embraced the challenge of teaching upper-level classes, and wrangled with a new class and new materials. In fact, I have so much to say about teaching that I am going to write a separate post on it, otherwise this one would turn into a small novel!

Work/Research: 

Teaching has taken up a lot of time this year, especially in the Spring semester, but I did attend the Ohio State University “Queer Places, Practices and Lives III” conference in April, and presented on whiteness within narratives of parenting transgender children. Miss Major Griffin-Gracy was the keynote, and spoke after a screening of the documentary about her life, “Major!” She is so dynamic and wise. As is often the case, the conference revitalized me and reminded me of the importance of engaging in activism and not just theory, and to think about the interconnections of class, race, gender, etc.

I also attended, but did not present at the DC Queer Studies Symposium in May. This year they honored the 20th anniversary of Cathy Cohen’s “Punks, Bulldaggers, and Welfare Queens” and the symposium was entirely invited plenary panels. Again, it was inspiring to be among so many scholar-activists and to think about the possibilities of activism within the academy.

One of the best highlights of the year research-wise was getting to present my work in Spain. Two years ago, as I was writing the final chapters to the dissertation, a dad in Spain wrote to me about his 6 year old trans daughter. He had read my chapter in “Chasing Rainbows: Gender-Fluid Parenting Practices” and wanted to thank me because it had helped him understand some of the dynamics in the local parent group he was a part of. While he accepted and supported his daughter completely, he was concerned about some of the essentialist, binary narratives that many parents of trans kids embraced, and had experienced a lot of backlash when he challenged them. He appreciated my argument about the importance of recognizing ambiguity and fluidity, as well as my critique of the “narratives of the extreme.” It was incredible to correspond with someone who found my work valuable, especially when I was in the throes of finishing the dissertation. It reminded me the importance of the work that I was doing, and was validating. It was also interesting to learn about the situation in Spain and the ways that it is similar and different than the US. While a few months would sometimes go by between our correspondence, we sent many long, long, emails back and forth across the Atlantic.

This summer, when I knew I would be traveling to England to visit family, I wrote to him, and asked if I could come and visit him and his family. He said, “Yes!” and also, would I like to speak at Barcelona Pride? And that is how I came to spend a week in Barcelona (one of the most beautiful cities I have ever seen) and got to present my research to an audience of parents, trans activists, and academics.

My paper was translated into Spanish for me, and then I read it, and did the Q and A in Spanish with some support of a translator. Again, it was incredibly validating to get to speak to people who have read my work, and who were excited to meet me. I also met an Italian graduate student doing research on trans children in Spain, and enjoyed the opportunity to speak with someone doing similar work, and to mentor a junior researcher. She is also going to look into the possibility of me coming to Italy next summer to present, which would be amazing!

It was definitely the highlight of the summer to get to speak there, and has been spiritually/emotionally sustaining as I continue the sometimes demoralizing process of seek out full-time employment. Currently, I am working to get more of my writing published, and I am applying to jobs–post-docs, tenure-track WMST and LGBT positions, visiting professor jobs–as well as student affairs positions. I have had the most luck with the student affairs positions, and have interviewed for a few director of LGBTQ center jobs. I would love the opportunity to be on a campus and to mentor students, educate the campus at large, and organize LGBTQ-related events.

In other non-academic work related news, in October I attended a doula training in Richmond. After years of thinking about it, I finally started my journey towards becoming a birth assistant.

Summer Camp: 

This summer, due to our family trip to England I was not able to attend Camp Aranu’tiq. However, I did attend Camp Seneb, their camp for kids with dwarfism, which was amazing. They are such confident, enthusiastic, kind kids! I loved being back in NH, and I got to be the Art Director for the week. We felted a tapestry and made lots of felted hacky-sacks with llama wool, and marbled paper, and made lots and lots of bracelets. One of the kids asked me if this is something that I do for my real job, which was a wonderful compliment to receive!

I also had the opportunity to attend Family Camp, for families with trans kids, and meet up with families that I met last year. It is wonderful to watch the kids grow. I also met a new family, whose 8 year old is a kindred spirit. He loves birds, and hawks, and the music of Lindsey Graham, and we became fast friends.

This fall I also attended Gender Conference East for the first time in a couple of years. I reconnected with families I had met at Family Camp and at previous GCE, and also met Laura Kriegal of Stomping Ground. I talked with her about my love of Camp Aranu’tiq, and my dream of creating my own LGBTQ camp, and she said that we always need new camps, and that I should do it! So now I am starting to think and plan about hosting a camp for LGBTQ kids here in MD. I especially love the Stomping Ground philosophy of giving kids independence and autonomy and letting them shape the culture and community of camp, and would like to create something similar if possible.

SURJ: 

At the end of 2016, I started a racial justice group in my neighborhood, and we connected with other folks in our area, and founded a chapter of Showing Up for Racial Justice. A year later, our group is small, but strong, and we have hosted bystander intervention trainings, workshops on having difficult conversations about race at Thanksgiving, and educational events. We have also developed accountability relationships with a local african-american museum and cultural center, and a food justice coalition, and are working in collaboration with other MD SURJ chapters. In the spring we have plans for some movie screenings, and more workshops about racial justice. It has been difficult work, but important work, and it feels good to be doing something tangible, and local, in the midst of all the horrible political stuff that is happening on a national level.

Personal/Family: 

Last but not least, the personal. It has been a good year, but a hard year.  I have had the amazing opportunity to travel a lot, but also struggled with job uncertainty and some depression.

My family spent Christmas in Mexico with my grandparents at a remote beach location. It was quite the adventure, as it was only accessible by boat, and the waves were too high to get on the boat when we had to leave, so we had to go by land back to Puerto Vallarta. Which meant an hour trek over the mountain (with my 80 year old granddad!) and then a 4 hour taxi ride back to Puerto Vallarta. It was definitely a Christmas we will never forget! I stayed in Mexico through most of January–for a much needed break after working non-stop through 2016. My friend Kelly came down to visit, as well as two of my best friends M. and Em. The sun, daily walk up the mountain, yoga, and company of friends was much needed.

I also was able to spend a month in Europe this summer–visiting with family in England, friends in Ireland, and presenting my research in Barcelona. Leaving my relatives in Yorkshire is always heartbreaking, and I had a tough time coming back to the US in August. My heart always feels torn in two, split between two places, and my relatives are getting older. I ache already from the losses that I know are coming in the next few years.

This coming spring, if I don’t have a full-time job offer before the end of January, I will be heading back to England for a couple of months to stay with my grandparents, to write my book, and to be back “home” for a time. I have also been applying to jobs over there, as I would love to have the opportunity to live and work more permanently in England.

This year has been a year of moving and saying goodbye. I moved out of the neighborhood I had lived in for 6 years, left UMD after 7 years, and have bounced around staying with different friends while I try to find my footing. As someone who struggles with letting go and with uncertainty, it has been a tough year, and I have felt a lot of loss and grief.

But it has been a good and necessary learning experience. As we celebrate the Winter Solstice and the return of the light in the new year, I feel as if I have found some solid ground amid all the uncertainty. During my friend’s solstice celebration we had a letting go ceremony. Into the fire, I tossed scraps of paper, one which said “Fear,” and the other which said “I release: control, worry, anger.”  I am letting go of fear, and embracing uncertainty. I have confidence in myself, my work, and my worth. I have spent a lot of time thinking deeply about what I want out of life. Children, LGBTQ youth, education, writing, and the outdoors, these are my loves, and there are many ways of incorporating them into my life. I am going boldly into the new year, excited about all the possibilities to come.

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! And a Happy New Year!