The Spaces In Between

A few years ago, I read this fantastic essay by Kate/Kade on Autostraddle called: “25 Ways of Making My Body Dysphoria Smaller and Quieter (Sept 2012). A friend might have sent it to me, but at this point I have forgotten who. If it was you, thank-you!

I have returned to it many times since when my own gender dysphoria has been getting me down, as I find the writing soothing, and their list is super helpful!

Today I decided to re-write their post here, as a way to reflect my own gender feelings and as a reminder to myself that there are things I can do to help my gender dysphoria. Hopefully it can also serve as a resource to others.

The lines below that are in italics are from the original post, and I am using the same structure that they do in the introduction and in the list. Please go and read the original too, as it is an incredible piece of writing!

Before I begin, I want to note that not every trans and/or non-binary person feels gender dysphoria (a sense of discomfort/incongruence with your sense of self and your body or how other people perceive your body/gender). I didn’t feel a lot of gender dysphoria when I was younger, and it was mostly through feelings of gender euphoria (feelings of joy/completeness/rightness) that I first began to explore the fact that my gender might be different than the gender I was assigned at birth. Still, as I have come to be more honest and authentic with myself, my gender dysphoria has become more intense, especially in regard to how the mainstream cis-het world perceives my non-binary, genderqueer body. It’s important to hold space for both gender dysphoria and euphoria, and all the gender feelings in between!

Here goes:

It is the summer, which means I cannot wear a sweatshirt or thick sweater to hide my body. And I am at my parents’ house, which is wonderful because the river flows a stone’s throw away from the side porch, and I have been able to go paddle-boarding and swimming almost everyday. But being home is also hard because it means trying to fit back into family expectations of who I am supposed to be. And swimming often means making decisions about what to wear that depend on society’s regulations about nudity (chests in particular) more than my own comfort.

Not everyone who has gender dysphoria experiences it the same way, but to me, it feels like I am wearing an extra scratchy wool sweater, that is too hot and I can’t take it off. Sometimes it is the word “ma’am” making my stomach feel like it has a hole in it, or someone saying “thank-you ladies” over and over, each “ladies”, a tiny papercut on my skin. Sometimes it isn’t noticeable, and other times, it feels like nothing will make me feel okay in my own body, or will soothe my discomfort about how other people respond to my body.

Sometimes it feels like my gender dysphoria will crush me, and I wish I could step out of my body like a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis. Sometimes, I try to fit my body into my clothes, and everything feels wonky and wrong. Sometimes, I look at a picture of me pre-puberty and have such a sense of yearning for my childhood top-less tomboy days that I get a lump in my throat. On those days I wonder if I am a trans man and should medically transition. On other days, I feel at peace with my body and feel grateful for my child-bearing hips, my stretch marks, curves, and muscle. Some days I feel a kinship to womanhood with such fierceness that I cannot imagine stepping away from anything that tethers me to that part of the gender galaxy. Riding the shifting waves of my gender can be difficult at times, My gender identity is a very slippery thing. I am grateful to have the word “gender-fluid” to describe myself as it helps me understand the fluctuations. The other terms I use for myself are “non-binary,” “trans” “genderqueer,” and “queer.” For me, the term queer has always been about gender as well as sexuality.

Five years ago, I chose the name River for myself, and at this point that is the name I use in most situations. There are also some folks who still call me Jess. With some people this is because the name means love and nostalgia and history, and with others “Jess” is the compromise between my given name and my chosen name. (I could, and might, write a separate essay about my names and naming). My pronouns are they/them, and with certain people, she/her.

Most of the time, my gender is tenderness and nerdiness and soft butch, with echoes of a rural tomboy childhood. I love tending to a campfire, and paddling up the river, and bird-watching in the mountains. I love children, and being called “Auntie.” I have rocked a side-shave and long hair, and currently have a buzz cut. I love button-downs. I wish I could wear a binder, but settle for sports bras because they are easier to breathe in. Sometimes I wear skirts, but dresses at this moment in time have too much weight to them.

Some days, when I’m struggling under dysphoria and anxiety and a whole range of things that are tied to those words by tight red strings, it’s hard to remember that there are ways to make the dysphoria quieter. There are ways to make myself better in my body. There are ways to feel at home in this bodymind. Again, I am grateful to Kate/Kade’s list on Autostraddle (here), as it has helped me many, many times. And I appreciate their suggestion to create our own list.

So here it is! Again, italics indicate direct quotes from the original post. Also the cover image for this post is a photo of a collage I made this summer called “Genderqueer.”

How to Make Your Dysphoria Smaller and Quieter

1. Watch your favorite science-fiction show, Farscape, or read your favorite fantasy novels by Tamora Pierce, to remind yourself that bodies can be alien, time-traveling, or capable of transforming themselves at will. Imagine your body as a shape-shifting creature from another world and time that doesn’t have a concept of gender.
2. Do some “yoga with adrienne” videos on youtube, to remind yourself that your body is strong, and capable, and lovable, and holds your wonderful self.
3. “Drink a glass of water and concentrate on what it feels like to have water in your mouth, running down the back of your throat and into your stomach. Make sure the water’s really cold so you can feel it. Pretend the water is someone’s love for you, and you can feel it going all the way in and making things clearer and better.“
4. Go outside and gaze up at the stars and moon. Remember that you are made of star dust and that gender is a galaxy.
5. Hike mountains. Climb until you leave behind cultural gender norms, and feel grateful for your body’s connection to the ground below you, sky above you. Sink down beside a log, and embrace with all your senses the deep green moss that covers its bark. Contemplate the way that fungi and moss and lichen have hundreds of genders, and remind yourself that the human concept of a gender binary does not reflect the true diversity of the natural world.
6. Snuggle on the couch with your dog, Pippin, he doesn’t know what gender is and loves you just the way you are.
7. Hug a tree, lean your weight against its trunk and feel connected to a world of boreal beings.
8. “Talk to people who love you so they can remind you that you’re okay, and perfect, and allowed to feel this way. Everything they say is true!”
9. Specifically reach out to other trans and non-binary friends who know how complicated gender feelings can be and who see you in your entirety. Talk to your partner, Indigo, who understands what it means to be gender-fluid and non-binary, even if your specific genders are surprisingly different from each other.
10. Make a campfire and smell the wood-smoke and watch the burning embers. Meditate on wood changing to spark and flame, think about the way that we all change over time and throughout our lives. Fire and water are fluid, so are you.
11. [this is a bit trickier during covid, but I love this original advice from Kade] “If you can leave your house, try to find a busy place like a park or a street with lots of shopping. Sit down and listen to the people around you. Listen to their little conversations, the things that are important to them or not important to them. If you’re anxious about that, bring a book or a phone so you feel a little more comfortable. When you’ve immersed yourself in other people for a while, you’ll find it a little easier to stand up and walk back into yourself.”
12. “Listen to the sexiest song you know and think about good things you would do while listening to that song. Or, listen to the happiest song you know and watch youtube videos of other people dancing to it. Make a mix that includes that song and send it to someone you really care about a whole lot. Sometimes sexiness or happiness are the best ways of forgetting dysphoria because you’re reminded, oh! I have a body that can do amazing things to another body, and oh! I have a body that can feel immense joy just from seeing a kitten!” [This is my favorite sentence in the original piece, the fact that our bodies can feel joy from seeing a kitten].
13. Watch queer movies.
14. “Read the book that speaks to you more than any other book. See? You are not ever alone.” (My favorite book this summer was “Too Bright to See” by Kyle Lukoff, it made me cry (it’s in part about grief) but also made me feel so seen.)
15. Go for a swim in the Choptank. Topless if possible. But even if you have to cover up, it will still be worth it to slip into the water and feel the swift currents all around you. When you feel lost, remember the river calls you home.
16. Make some collage art about your gender, place layers upon layers of photos and colors and words on the page, an act of meditation and reflection. Create beauty out of pain, spill your feelings on the page.
17. Ask Indigo for a squish.
18. Cut your hair! A new haircut is always a self-esteem boost.
19. Make plans about top surgery. Remember that you do have choices and that it is okay to change your body this way. (This one is tricky—sometimes thinking about top surgery can make me feel worse because I want it so badly, but I also want have kids first, which means I have to wait a few years. But it can also be comforting to remember—yes, I can control what my body looks like, and I am making active choices about it).
20. Write a letter to a friend.
21. When you are feeling gender euphoric or are having a good day, take a photo of yourself and save it on your phone to look at when you are having a hard day. Remind yourself that even if your gender dysphoria feels overwhelming today, it will not always feel this way. Some days are gender euphoria days too.
22. Look at artwork by Shoog McDaniel (@shooglet) or other trans/non-binary artists on Instagram. Try to detangle the threads of sexism, fat phobia, and transphobia that feed your dysphoria. Remind yourself that there are so many ways to have a body in this world! And all bodies are beautiful.
23. Cry, don’t be afraid to let your feelings out. Sometimes things suck and we can’t fix them and it’s okay to feel all our feelings.
24. Listen to “The Keep Going Song” by The Bengsons or “The Nutritionist/Madness Vase” by Andrea Gibson. Remember, you are never alone.
25. Repeat your name to yourself over and over, River, River, River, River.